"I have just found out there is nothing wrong with me, it is the word that has issues"
How nice it would have been if I had known this when I was an awkward, ugly teenager, or a new mum who really had no clue, or a worker who never fitted in, or a wife that had the wool pulled over her eyes.. I know it now though and it is not too late for the knowledge to make a difference.
Fear has moved aside a little. Most of the time it is a distant memory, one that is only pulled to the foreground in reaction to someone else's actions or reactions to me. People do not like me, and it saddens me.
At the mall recently we were having a wonderful time colouring in with the kids and someone leaned on the table I was using and lifted it right off its legs. I wasn't overly concerned. It had moved only a little upwards and stopped moving when it came back down to rest. I glanced up at the couple at the other end of the table and then got back on with my colouring in. I would have though nothing of it except a few minutes later I heard the man in that couple say that I had given him "the look" I really couldn't believe he had thought that I had done anything like that. I was embarrassed and appalled. I just kept on colouring and gave the impression that I had not heard him. After all what could you say in that situation? 'grow up' came to mind but I didn't express it.
It reminded me that even when I say nothing people still judge me. It says more about them than it does me, especially when they don't even know me. It has plagued me all my life. Unfortunately I don't have a perpetually smiley face. My mouth turns down. This does not mean anything, it just is. When I was a child I was often told to stop sulking. I've not forgotten it or the feeling of injustice that came to me when I felt I had been unfairly accused. It happened a lot.
It was fear that caused the embarrassment, fear that people would believe him or that he thought I was that nasty or judgemental. Bear in mind that I barely even looked at them and cant even describe them other than they were mid to late 20 somethings. So really wasn't giving him any sort of censorious look. perhaps he was feeling stupid for disrupting the table by leaning heavily on the end.
You might wonder why I would even write about this minor, brief, incident. Maybe you think I'm blowing it out of proportion. I have to learn something from this so it stops hurting me, so what I choose to learn from it is: there was nothing wrong with me, it was him that had issues.
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