evolution of a blog

I've started a separate blog to explore the effect of depression on my life. I was posting them here but I want this to be my happy space. The darker space has to be separate, but cannot be denied.

Perspective

I'm loving photographing close up and macro. The difference is remarkable yet it is the same subject.

Everything looks different when you get really close up.

memories

When I was a child I had blonde curly hair. I was chubby and pretty cute. Mum made all our clothes, and she was really good at it, so we had some pretty nice outfits judging by the old photos. And we smiled a lot in those photos.

I was taught pretty early to be careful. My eyesight was poor so perhaps I fell over too many times, perhaps it was because I was the first born and parents are naturally more protective of girls. I don't remember being taught to be careful.. I just grew up careful, and responsible, and a bit naive. The world around me was just there.. I took everything for granted.

When I was ten my parents went to Kashmir. Mum went over half way through Dad's stint with the UN. I thought Mum was gone 6 months, but have since been told it was just 3.months. While they were away we lived with our grandparents in Whitianga.
Staying there was wonderful I had a lovely big bed that used to belong to my aunt Sonia. My brother was in the boy's room. It had twin beds that my Father and his younger brother used to use. I remember the old school fondly so it can't have been all that bad. I don't remember having friends at school, hardly any at any of the schools I attended. My cousins had a house behind Granny and Grandpa's and they came to stay there on holidays. Four girls in that family and I always felt like an outsider until this past January, at Uncle Ted's funeral.

There was a little old lady living two or three doors down from Granny and Grandpa. Her name was Tiny and she collected shells and had a beautiful garden.I would stop in there on my way home from school some days and marvel at the shells. She was very nice to me was Tiny. Her garden was beautiful and there was a memorial there to her long dead dog. Tiny passed away when I was living in Wellington some years later and her house and garden were replaced by a bank and some shops. That was possibly the biggest loss in my life up to that point, but when you think about it I had taken her for granted in many ways. We were not related and I had not seen her in years.

My Dad was a Phys Ed, and Geography teacher at Fraser High School in Hamilton. Unfortunately I was in no way physically inclined. This must surely have disappointed  Dad but he never said anything about it.

I used to go with him to the basket ball games he refereed and keep the scores. Surely I was supervised, but I remember doing it and don't remember anyone checking my math. I felt great doing the scores and sitting with the adults. I must have been 10-12 yrs old at the most. I remember one special trip in a buss with the school team when we went to Rotorua so they could play.

The only sport I played would have been netball. I have a single memory of playing in a team at Deanwell Primary so I would have been been 10.

I don't know when we stopped going but for years and years we used to holiday over Christmas at the camp ground at Raglan. (photo from Google images: www.happycamping.co.nz.

It was fabulous. we had other kids to play with and beaches and trees to play in. The big event every so often was to walk through the camp over the bridge and up into Raglan. Maybe it took 30 mins, but to me it was hugely exciting. The Open Air Campaigners were our entertainment  on stage some evenings and I loved the music and the atmosphere of everyone gathering together for fun.

I really liked being able to swim in the ocean, paddle along the shore and lie in the sun.  I wasn't scared of the water then. My skin is white and freckly so I burned like buggery. In those days we put oil on our skin to help is  'tan' . My skin went bright red and peeled is great swathes. I had a bad habit of trying to get the biggest piece of skin that I could get to peel off in one piece.  My Mum was always the beach bunny.. Mum looked fabulous in her bikinis,was always brown and could swim like a fish. I didn't inherit those traits but I admire them in her. You also have to know mum was the queen at knuckle bones... and I was damn good too.

There are other childhood memories too

Like the catherine wheel at Aunty Ailsa's one November. Her three girls and their awesome bedroom. It had three beds with big boxes for storage at the heads of the beds and they were in a U shape. Thinking back the room was probably not as big as I always thought but it was the BEST bedroom.

Having my hair cut when I was quite young. It was long and I had it cut short for some reason. I can remember there was a fuss over whether it should be cut or not and I can't remember how I felt about it. I think the fuss may have been between my mum and Ailsa';s husband as he was the hairdresser and didn't want to cut it.  It's one of those memories that you can never be sure of being correct.

I remember Queenie, my ginea pig at Pine Avenue. My Brother had one too. Queenie was brown ginger and white. My Brothers was darker. their cage had chicken wire. Dad probably made it for us.

One year both Dad and I were ill with hepatitis. We were living in Saxby's Rd and we spent time soaking stamps.. it wasn't so bad being sick when you had something to do with your Daddy.

I think that's enough for now. I can always come back to record more memories, its something I have long wanted to do, even if no one else ever reads them its nice to see them in print. it gives them substance.

The caffeine dairy

Five cups today went cold before I was able to finish them. Such a waste, but also indicative of just how busy I was at work.

I didn't take any proper breaks. I sat down to eat lunch but then right back into it.
The phone has gone constantly today with people asking questions after the earthquakes last Friday. As soon as the landline would ring another caller would ring and the call would transfer though to the cell phone. It was quite a challenge to strike a professional balance between being friendly and supportive and being distracted by the other call and the interruptions of being frontline in a busy office. I missed a few calls, but thankfully there were lots of people that left me messages.

The big basement clean up was underway today. It was a bit (actually it was a lot) overwhelming starting work at 8 when they had been at it for an hour and wanted questions answered about what I wanted done with this, that and the other thing... Back the bus up folks, I was barely awake!

Eventually I caught up, got some work done and convinced myself to help out with the cleanup, as soon as I cleared a few things off my desk.

It never happened. I was flat out like the proverbial lizard right up to 5pm. Although none the planned work was done, I did reassure a lot of people, answer a bunch of difficult questions around emergency preparedness, tsunami, and what to do in an earthquake, buy lunch for the workers,  and make but not drink five cups of coffee. In there somewhere I emptied the stationery onto the floor and reloaded the cabinet when they got swapped over. I now have a stationery cupboard to die for, in my office.

And around 4.30 I finally drank a whole cup of coffee while a customer and I chatted about her preparedness. I got sneaky and offered her a cuppa so I could finally get to drink mine and look after her.

Hey, you do what you have to to get a coffee.

coffee for one

 I've had the afternoon on my own.When this happens I quite often make plans to do things that never happen.

I WAS going to do some washing and go up town to buy different cat biscuits, visit a friend, and do some baking, maybe even cook dinner.

What I really did was make a coffee or three and crochet the rug I am making for my cousin's baby. It is looking really nice and I'm at the stage of deciding if it is big enough or if I need to make another 50 squares to go round the outside to make a white edge. I love that it has taken about 4 weeks to get to this stage and I still want to keep going.

Jack, Willow and I also went for a walk. Coco came as far as the end of the street but turned back. Our usual round the block walk is not good for cats in the daylight. There are more flowers coming out in the gardens and I thought I would go back when the weather is better to photograph them, without the dogs. It didn't get any better today. Maybe tomorrow.

I also have some errands to run.. more for the imaginary to do list. That one that I scribble in my head but not on paper because then the pressure to actually do those things would be too much!.

Having no kids at home, and no pressure to actually cook or do , well, anything , is nice. It is also terrible for procrastinators. Now I don't do things because I cant be bothered, not because I am too busy. I have NO excuses. I cant even plead poverty anymore. Not that I have cash to splash around, but I'm not broke.

So I have also taken a couple of photographs and added them to Facebook. And I have the luxury of time to write this. Jack wants to go for another walk. It's raining so he is fresh out of luck.

Must be time for another coffee.

I was given some great advice, by my Facebook coffee loving buddies on how to use this new toy.
Top of my list for tomorrow is to buy some ground espresso coffee beans.

Sunday update.
After a slow start to the day I have washing in the machine and a load hung out and I have coffee grinds in the jar. Very happy puppy here.

Shaken not stirred

This afternoon we have had a few earthquakes of 5 and 6 magnitude in Wellington. The first came about 2.30 pm and had me under the desk pretty smartly. It was billed in the paper as 6.6 (www.stuff.co.nz ) but I saw some readings at much lower than that. One at 5.7 for instance. Geonet revise the magnitude as they get more information.

We had a large number of foreign visitors in our building for a tsunami workshop and had to shuffle them out so we could set up the emergency operation centre. They were pretty happy to be on their way after the quake. Thankfully they had finished what they were there for. 

So it started.

We had a full house by 3.30. Mostly council staff. It seemed there were a hundred things going on all at once. With each new aftershock I got more comfortable with the rocking motion. The building is very strong so I Felt safe. Food, people coming and going, noise, the odd shake, it was all pretty cool. It was ok for us, we didn't need to leave the city, but the gridlock on the roads and the closing of the trains until the tracks are checked has inconvenienced a lot of people. power was off briefly in some areas. There were a few buildings that were emptied because people don't want to stay in them when they shake. Thy don't think about the danger of falling debris in their rush to leave. Then they don't know what to do, where to go. So they mill around and eventually go home. 

The cell phone system overloaded again, same as the earthquake on July 21st. Only texts were getting through. 

I stayed at work until 7pm and am now going to get an early night. 11 hour days are not great, but if you have to work I guess it's good to be busy. 

Here's hoping the city sleeps well tonight.

Good night

Sweet dreams. 

Notebooks and flowers

These came in the mail from vistaprint today. My photos on the covers and inside there are a calendar and a birthday list. There are plenty of note pages too. I'm really pleased with them and will happily give them away as gifts. I have plenty of people I can give them to. The matchbox is there to show their size. I'm thinking I may need to get more done. It is so much fun seeing my photos on things instead of just on the screen. 

Bleak is beautiful

I posted these photos on the misfits page this week. I hesitated to do it because they are quite dark and devoid of colour. I was pleasantly surprised by the comments they received. They seem to have evoked some memories or emotions in the people that commented. What more can I ask?











When the dogs and I set out on our adventure I was looking for colour. It is not spring yet so really the only natural colour was in camellias and the few rhododendrons on the hills and in gardens along the way round the bays.

So I gave up and went to the Days Bay wharf.  The water is so calm, yet another surprise. Wellington, on a windless day. My god what is the world coming to.?

 

We had a short walk on the beach but I wasn't comfy with Jack peeing on everything so we left there and walked along Port road for a while. I left the camera in the car and ended up walking all the way back to get it because I saw a strange black bird with a bright orange, quite long, beak. It was gone when I got back, but it was worth a try. Maybe I will be a bird stalker next time I go out.


Oyster catcher  This link will take you to information on a bird that looks like the one I saw. It can't be the same bird exactly, since the Chathams are nowhere near here, but that's what it looks like. I think it may have been all black with the bright orange beak.

Mammogram

Annual visit

In here please

Push here, pull there

Placing flesh

Hand on your hip

Push your bottom out

Breathe in, breathe right out

Ouch that hurts, sort of

Won't take long

Peel skin off cold plates

Stand straight again

Shake off the stretching skin

Get dressed

Wait two weeks..

Twenty minutes later-and already back at work.

So quick

What was the fuss about

Now I wait

Lessons learned

Yesterday I had some trouble at work. That's not unfamiliar to me. I have a few issues and sometimes things don't go we'll when I have to deal with colleagues. Strangers are so much easier. I have no problem bowling up to someone I have never met and chatting with them, or talking to someone in a queue or at a shop while we are waiting. Colleagues are not so easy. You can't just walk away, I know, I've tried. 

After work last night I received an email from a colleague that was quite inappropriate. I get my work emails on my phone, and often deal with them after hours. He had no right to say what he did and I got quite upset. I took it to my manger and it is being sorted out at the highest level.

In the mean time I have decided to look round the job market and see if anything takes my fancy. 

I have a job, I have nothing to lose. And everything to gain. 

Being upset because I have been made to feel inadequate when I know I am actually doing a great job was a final straw. I am fighting back. I will have control of my own workload Come hell or high water. There are other jobs out there and a fresh start could be very refreshing. My cv is going to get another spruce up. 

I started a splash board of post it notes on my whiteboard at work. One note for each role I have, each thing I do. It is a reminder that I do good work that makes a difference. They are placed randomly and over an A5 sized space so far. There will be a lot more to add to the board before I am finished. 

There are lessons to be learned every day. The one I learned today was to have faith. I am not alone. I have support and I don't have to run or hide when someone stomps on me. People love me. 

That was a nice thing to take out of a very yucky experience.

Heaven in a flower

The first stanza of the poem "Auguries of Innocence" by the mystical poet William Blake (1757 - 1827):

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

Dad wrote this on a birthday card for me in 2011.

I took it to mean that I should enjoy the small things in life, and this has stuck with me during the two years since. I scoured the house tonight to find this card only to find a poem and not the words I thought Dad had written at all. Reading the explanation below I see it fits exactly with my love of macro photography. So .... It has taken me two years Dad, but I can finally see heaven in a flower.


Blake is expressing a mystical belief that the microcosm (the small scale) symbolizes the macrocosm (the large scale) and that it's possible to experience the macrocosm by contemplation of the microcosm.
In other words, when you view a grain of sand correctly, you really see the whole world in a kind of mystical vision. When you view a wild flower with your whole being, with all your senses, you really do see heaven.
From this perspective, the palm of your hand is as large as infinity and an hour is as long as eternity.
From :http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070704072423AAnkUsV

balance

Antique egg rack.
Push too hard and they break 

Life is a daily adventure in balance.
between happy and blah, between blah and fear.
blah and fear don't happen so much anymore
though they are always just below the surface,
waiting for me to fall between the cracks of the swing bridge.
The one that rocks gently while I take tentative steps
towards happiness.

Swing bridges like happiness, promise safe passage
if you take the leap of faith and step out onto the path.
then move beneath you and suddenly
the certain, safe road is no more.

My epitaph should read " it doesn't pay to be too happy. "
The bubble is too thin to be sustained
just when I start to think I am, actually, happy
something brings me back down again
only nowadays its to square 9 or 10
still, the bubble will burst.

Kicked in the butt and gut by fear
there is no spinning right back to square one now.
Stopping the dread and negativity
became easier with practice and mindfulness.

Remembering that " I'm ok You're ok "
mindset is the best place to come from
the best place to move on from, since it lays no blame
and allows room for peace of mind.

I have more to say and it won't all be pretty
but life is like that.A balance between fine and dandy
and getting by. Keeping things real.

I hope one day to find a bubble formula that is
strong enough to hold me inside
long enough to forget the other faded bubbles.

Maybe then I will find a new epitaph..

Sunday Brunch

I didn't have any photos from Saturday, but here is one from brunch this morning.

We have been going to Mitre 10's cafe on Sunday mornings and today thought we would try the Fig Tree for a change.

We had the great please of bumping into friends and their husky, Sasha, while we were there. The food was delicious and atmosphere was friendly and casual. It was a bit loud but that seems to be how cafes are these days. They think nothing of the racket they make with the coffee machines and dishes as they work. Fortunately the music was at a nice volume.

A group of elderly ladies were there, meeting for a muffin and tea. The tea is served on china plates and tea cups. So dainty. One of the ladies had brought gifts for her friends. it seems she had been on a trip overseas and had brought a gift for each of them and some daphne from her garden.

I hope one day I will have friends that meet for coffee like that group of ladies.

There is plenty to look at in the cafe. Lots of paintings for sale, and it used to be a church. Sean told me all about what it used to look like because he had worshiped there a couple of decades ago. It was really nice.

They have a book swap thing going on, where you can tag your book and follow where it ends up.. seemed too complicated to me. I may just drop a few off so they have more for people to borrow.

I'm looking forward to the next time we go, and perhaps the weather will be like today so we can sit outside and have Jack and Willow with us.

Saturday's adventures

We have had a lovely weekend. Yesterday we set out reasonably early to go to the Petone carnival but were discouraged by the heavy traffic and the memories of it not having been all that great last time. Those things considered we nipped out of Jackson St and up onto the motorway to head in to Wellington. I had heard of a photographic exhibition in Willis Street. The World Press exhibition.
finding parking looked doubtful until we discovered a parking building on Willis Street. I hadn't noticed it before so it felt like a wonderful find. With three major parking buildings int he city closed, even weekend parking is limited. I was so glad Sean was driving as we wound up and up top level F to finally find a park that was not reserved. The ramps are so narrow. The building was above the old Mexican Canteena, or the Mex as we used to call it. We both have good memories of the place although we have not been there together and it is long since closed.

Wandering down to Willis street we came across a Mexican restaurant so it seemed natural to try them out for lunch. The food was really tasty if a bit overpriced for what you get. They were able to direct us to the Telecom towers where the exhibition was showing, very helpful.

It was only $5 entry fee each which I thought was a more than fair. So I sailed on in thinking this would be a great experience, exposure to some culture and all that.

I quickly discovered it was not going to be a nice experience. The first two doz photos were graphic portrayals of death and mayhem from various attacks of Syria and Gaza. Damaged or dead people everywhere. I understand that these are evocative and emotional photographs. Just what a press photographer needs in order to make a living.  But good lord they were bleak. Then just when you think you cant take any more they move on to... ta da ..deformed adults and then.. prostitution!.. oh joy.. I was pretty much ready to leave at that point.

Further round the corner I discovered a series of 4 photos of sumo wrestlers. they were stunning, somber and thoughtful. They have black backgrounds and incredible detail. The men were straight faced and looking at the camera warily.

There were a few animal photos from a zoo somewhere that looked like it should be shut down. I nearly cried, they were just awful. and a few photos of same sex couples in an Asian city that has only recently decided to allow same sex relationships. The relationships were not the feature for me, but the abject poverty they seemed to live in was appalling. These are current photographs. These people live like that now.

There was a photograph of a man holding the tails of two bullock and competing in a race with that as the only way he had to control the beasts. The competitors have to run their animals in as straight a line as possible. There was mud spraying everywhere, on first glance it was a great action shot. but when I REALLY looked at it there were ropes through the bullocks noses.. I felt quite nauseous.

One beautiful shot further round the display was of a synchronised swimmer (http://www.worldpressphoto.org/awards/2013/sports-action/zheng-wei?gallery=6096) who seemed to be suspended in the air like she may have been diving and not yet reached the water. This and some photos of penguins and another of an albino girl were the only ones I would like to see again.

They can keep the rest.

The serenity prayer

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr I'm not a religious person at all but this, especially the first four lines, might give me comfort today. so would :" its my choice to either soar with eagles or argue with turkeys ".