unexpected blessing

A couple of nights ago Willow woke me up at 1.50 am, so I dutifully dragged myself to the back door and let her out for a pee. That wasn't what she wanted though so it took her 10 minutes of wandering around the back yard before she would come back into the house. Since I didn't have shoes on and was disinclined to chase her round the house or call her loudly at that time of the morning I had a few minutes to wait.

The evening was calm and clear. I could easily hear the neighbours chatting in their garage. There appears to be a couple of young girls in residence. Perhaps their daughter is back from some study or other.

After a while of trying to get Willow tempted back inside I gave up .. that was when I heard the Morepork.. faintly but definitely ru-ru-ing somewhere close by.

It was such  a peaceful sound. I could have stood there listening all night.

smiles from our garden

These beauties are in our garden. They have so far survived the dry weather and that is really a surprise as today really feels like summer. It was too warm to take the dogs out for a walk so I waited until after 5pm and still Willow was very reluctant. She and I waddled along joined at the lead to motivate her all the way to the reserve. Jack had no such qualms and ran the whole way.

I sometimes think there is nothing around to photograph but when I can find flowers like this in our own garden it reminds me this way of thinking is quite wrong. There are things to photograph and there are people who will enjoy seeing them. The key is getting off my butt and looking for them.

next day..
 I set to after writing that and sent on order off for some calendars with my photos of flowers. It was good to see I had more photos than space. I hope they will be good enough quality to give as gifts for Christmas. If they are I may have time to order more.

a week later.. 
the calendars are great and I have ordered another 10! and some small ones for good measure. 

Fine China

I visited the home of an elderly lady today to pick up some things for her while she is in hospital. She is a friend of a friend. I am dismayed to say she has not been looking after herself, apparently for quite a while, and her home is a mess.

My friend and I fervently hope that she will be forced to go into care now this has all come to light. There she will eat, and be showered regularly!. More than likely she will need dementia care. 

So sad. She is about 84 and lived on her own, but would have been a candidate for the show 'Hoarders' It is horrible when an elderly person is in need, but they don't ask for help because they don't know they need it. 

Although I am certain she did the right thing my friend was concerned that the lady was not going to be happy she had initiated this. (we just said it was the doctor's decision, over and over, and eventually she got it.)

G's house is full of the most wonderful things.. a piano that runs on rolls, pictures of family and pets past and present. Ornaments and china (TWO china cabinets full to over flowing) there is a lovely conservatory off the lounge. The unit is totally private. There is sheet music everywhere, and magazines, records and tapes. 

I hope she is able to take some of it with her to wherever she ends up living. 

Mostly fine

Rolling along the path

Taking it as it comes

Some times better than others

Then wham

It hits when least excepted

The universe bites back

karma getting a kick in

Do good people cop it like this

Or just the rotten

Sunday Slam 18 Nov

Glassy flat water on the harbour
Reflecting a blanket of cloud. 
No waves in sight, no birds or boats
An eerie welcome for commuters.
'Earthquake weather' came to mind
With a prickle of chill up my spine.
Fate should not be tempted that way.
Glancing back the clouds are split
With radiant light in search light streaks from above,
Shattering the gloom.
Chills replaced by awe for such beauty.
The grey day forgotten, until the return home.

Sunday Slam poem - about something you want to forget

Sunday slam

don't lie to me
the same old lies
the ones that gave false hope...
the lies that ruined
what we had
our family smashed apart

don't lie to me
It doesn't work

or mend the mess you made
 too many lies

compound the pain

and then just break my heart

The Job

The Job

Conceive, Create, nourish, wash, shelter, nurture, feed, clothe, instruct, encourage, support, challenge, protect, advise, support, chauffeur, set free, @ encourage, support, advise, congratulate, enjoy, repeat from @ over and over.

The Job

From protecting the vulnerable to travelling in space.
Each person has their own path. ...
Collectively we should care for the planet, to ensure our survival, and that of the planet itself.
For some it is climbing mountains, for others it is climbing out of bed each day. 

 What ever challenge you meet, meet it head on. Do your bit. Follow your path.

The big battles for the earth, the flora and fauna, for freedom and security, the displaced and vulnerable, are fought in high places.
The people in those high places shape The World.

The battles the rest of us take on do not shape The World. They shape Our World.

Our job is to exist in our world, caring for and supporting others where we can, loving wherever we can, to cause no harm, until we are no longer here.

sunday solitude - poem



Rhododendron - Holdsworth Avenue Oct 2013

Alone again
Endless hours stretching the day
Filled with nothingness and quiet...
Motivation seeps round the corners
Bursting into action briefly
Achieving small tasks
That don’t matter at all
Touching no-one’s lives
Wandering along with precious dogs
Going nowhere, just stretching legs
Parks and pavements pounded
Restless need to be out of the house
Where there are people,
Noise, and lives lived
By those that are not
Alone.

Catherine Ryan Hyde

I have found a new author to read. Catherine wrote Pay it Forward and since I am a big fan of the concept I was delighted to find she has written plenty of other books. I'm reading one on my Kindle at the moment about Inspiration.

It is based on metaphors taken from hiking.

She hikes.. and man does she hike.. Like the Grand Canyon type of hiking ... it sounds like it is her main pass time.. and it makes sense that you can draw inspiration from the achievements of Hiking up hills.

There is no way I would like to do that , but I can understand that pushing herself past being uncomfortable has given her joy and taken her to many places you cant get to except on foot.

 the chapter I am on at the moment is about doing what you say you will do and then again when the need arises being realistic enough to not do it when it is not in your interests.

I don't like making plans for things that will never happen, and I hate hearing about what people are GUNNA do.. Its so much better hearing what they Have Done. So I can understand that it is better to do what you say you will do, so that you can be seen as a doer not a dreamer. and to be able to know in yourself that you will achieve what you set out to.

random stitching

I've been crocheting my fingers off lately. I'm making another baby rug, but this one does not have a home to go to yet. It may be finished in a couple of weeks at the rate I'm stitching. People seem to like the photos I've posted of the work in progress.. and that lifts my heart. I'll have to upload them from home I think so I can keep a running record here.

The growth of the rugs is phenomenal. They start as balls of wool and a hook. and quickly become this lovely thing that surrounds you with love. There is plenty of love stitched into them, especially when I know who they are going to before I start them.

I've done two for Cyrus ( didn't know which to give them so I gave them both) one for Scarlet  (all variegated wool) and one for Julia. Her baby is not due til November though. ( the squares with the white surround )

The rug I'm on now is made from rounds which are squared off with white and stitched into the rug on the white round. It has been great fun to make the colours clash and try to keep the rounds in the rug so they are not repeated and not too many of any one colour together. I'm at 12 x 13 rows now and running out of white, so i will have to see if I can get more the same or stop adding squares.

It is quite foreign to me to make things clash.. and I am loving it.

my next rug may be a softer, simpler design, for a friend, that will take no time at all to run up. Or it might be a riot of colour.. I'll have to wait and see.

posts and things

My weekly photo posts and occasional gratitude posts on Facebook seem to be meeting with approval. I am gratified to see a number of likes and comments each week.

It is quite easy to get enough photos to post lately. Being spring there are flowers all over the place. I hope people are not getting too sick of them, but I don't think that is the case.. Dad, Mum and Joyce have all said offline that they enjoy them and that's enough to encourage me.

The pull to take photos is quite interesting.. I'm not pulled to do anything else in this way.
I notice it as an ache, a compulsion. To ensure I can do it I try to have the phone or the canon with me all the time now except when I am at work, then it is just the phone. That's not a handicap though. It takes great photos.

It would be great to use the photos more. There are so many now.

Vistaprint did some notebooks for me, but they are pretty pricey. It discourages me from printing too many. I may have to find somewhere else to print notecards but I think this would be a nice gift for someone for Christmas. Maybe calendars too. I will need to round up my favourite shots for that.

Another thing that would be good is to find a topic other than flowers that I can photograph.
Probably it is just a matter of keeping my eyes open. To see what comes along.

I wonder what it will be?

moving on

One of my colleagues left the organisation today. It was the hardest farewell I've ever been to. I will miss him a lot.

Usually I don't mind when people move on, it's just life, and to be honest some of them stay too long and I cant wait to see the back of them. I don't like a fuss when I leave anywhere. I remember all of the times I was leaving though. I do like to make sure other people are suitably farewelled and this is the 5th person to leave in under a year. The next leaves in two weeks, making 3 in 5 weeks.. it is harrowing.

This one was particularly difficult because he is the nicest person I know. Not perfect of course, but so giving and open.

He gave THE BEST speech. Thanked people for their friendships, their involvement in projects he has worked on and their help and inspiration in the past 7 years. He had people from several organisations there, all professional relationships that have developed into strong friendships.
He left us with the thought that family and friends matter, and to work to be happy and be better people.

I kept it together until one young man stood up to talk about him.
He was grateful for the mentorship and friendship he had received...I didn't hear the rest because it moved me so much and I left the room.

I will be sure to see him again as he is not that far removed from us in his new role.

In the future I hope there will be other people that in my life that are as nice as he is. And that I recognise them for that when I meet them.

this day in history

11/09/2013

About this time (4.30pm) 18 years ago today I went into labour for the final time. Fraser was on his way..

He didn't take terribly long, arriving about 10 pm. so Labour was only about 6 hours from start to finish. I have a clear memory of tucking him in next to me in bed and the two of us falling asleep the first time he woke up crying.. It was to carry on that way for many years. He much preferred to sleep with me holding him, or in bed with him.


Yvonne Harding looked after Matthew while Phil and I went to the hospital and Mum joined us there. We had a room with a bath this time and Marie Robinson in attendance. Marie was Matt's midwife too and this time we did not invite any doctors. The labour went well and he was delivered on the bed with me standing up holding onto Phil. Marie is a great catcher.

Giving birth is one of those moments in your life you never forget, assuming you are not too drugged up, and I was not.. This birth was easier than Matthew's. For that one I needed some medical intervention. Matt paved the way for his brother.

I had good pregnancies and enjoyed the experience. Both boys were early with Matt at 37 weeks and Fraser at 39. so they never kept me waiting.. That happened plenty of times later on..

Knowing we were expecting a boy child we had picked his first name, after a couple of other Frasers we knew. My Grandad was a Scot so there was a bit of honoring that as well. We didn't have his second name picked out exactly but I had thought Fraser Jonathon had a nice ring to it. When he was born I changed my mind and decided on Fraser Timothy.. I still don't really know why I did that. There are no other Timothys in our family.

We didn't stay in hospital long. maybe two days? and I was happy to go home. The other lady in our room had a very big family who visited a lot. We have a lovely photo of Matthew meeting Fraser. He was quite taken with him.

Fraser had a few birthday celebrations over the years, mostly at our place with a few friends invited to play or a trip to McDonald's, laser strike and later paintball.  That stopped a few years ago and we started just going out to dinner for the boy's birthdays. We didn't know enough of their friends to invite them to do much of anything else.

Sept 11 2001 was his 6th birthday.. the next day I was really relieved we are so many hours ahead of the states because the twin towers fell overnight. We had had a party for Fraser the day before and his birthday was not spoiled by that tragedy, although the date is now memorable for most people.

When Phil and I separated the property agreement required that I pay him back $50k that he left in the house. I never truly believed he deserved that money. I had to pay it back by today, Fraser's 18th birthday. I lived in fear of not being able to do that from the minute I signed the forms in about 2005 until January this year, when the bank told me I would definitely be able to refinance, and did I want any extra money for anything else while I was at it? I bought a reliable car, and refinanced in June so I would not have to worry about it now. Two fears done away with at once. I love my new car.

As long as I can remember Fraser has been waiting to be older.. he wanted to be 15 so he could sit his licence,  then he got it and moved on to his restricted at 16 at which time they changed the rules and you were not allowed your full licence until you were 18. and now he IS 18 so he can sit the full licence.

He  always been annoyed that he could not buy cigarettes, so he just did it anyway. At 17 he moved in with his then girlfriend, and at 18 is now flatting with a mate. Not too far from home although we don't see him much. Even though he was too young to buy it Fraser doesn't seem to have ever had trouble sourcing alcohol. I think he is ok with it, not too much binge drinking I hope.  I will buy him bourbon for his birthday, so it is a sure bet that he will enjoy the gift.

This month he is going to Brisbane to visit his best friend.
He arranged the trip and the new passport himself.

Now he could join coastguard , but he did that a few months ago, the first person in Wellington to join at just 17.  And now he can vote, buy cigarettes and alcohol, apply for credit, and be respected as an adult instead of as a 17 year old acting like an adult.

My baby is growing up.



Photos .  13 yrs, &  17 yrs
NOTE TO SELF scan some of the photos from when the kids were small and photos were printed from negatives..

the challenge

"To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed-- that can make of this earth a garden." -Goethe

Trigger Happy Tuesday- Please allow the following quote to inspire you creatively. Try to allow 90 minutes to create something, be it a poem, short story, anecdote, limerick, photograph or painting, or take 5 minutes or all day! 



Sweet is this place wherein I dwell

I dwell in a secret place.
of friendships odd in an online space
comforting, supporting, inspiring in their grace
lifting me up to see the world as a place that I
can enjoy, seek out and share.

I dwell in a quiet place within my head
feeding on posts that intrigue me,
putting  their words to the random  thoughts
that otherwise in my head have no form

I dwell in a place that knows not time
that cares not when and barely cares where.
There are no borders, no politics spoken, no wars to fear.

I dwell in this mighty space
where pies and pictures make me smile
where macro bugs and dragonflies
snakes and toads and crocodiles
repel me and yet drag me in to see them,
and wonder about the world that lives
across great oceans and miles.

I dwell in joy, morning and night
to see photos of water and sunsets and light
of children I may never know
their sweetness a joy and
parent's love a warm glow.

I'm feeding my heart in this quiet space
finding that I even have a place
That I can be me without judgement, without fear
Knowing that how and what I say and shoot and share
will be met with encouragement and caring.

The  photos are my favourite thing.
I am not schooled, don't know a thing
about the way I should do it. so I just do.
And the photos please quite a few.

Now I dwell and don't think of the dark.
Just look forward to the photos, the songs and the art.
I thank the people who have brought me this place
the thinkers, singers, and poets, for your grace.

evolution of a blog

I've started a separate blog to explore the effect of depression on my life. I was posting them here but I want this to be my happy space. The darker space has to be separate, but cannot be denied.

Perspective

I'm loving photographing close up and macro. The difference is remarkable yet it is the same subject.

Everything looks different when you get really close up.

memories

When I was a child I had blonde curly hair. I was chubby and pretty cute. Mum made all our clothes, and she was really good at it, so we had some pretty nice outfits judging by the old photos. And we smiled a lot in those photos.

I was taught pretty early to be careful. My eyesight was poor so perhaps I fell over too many times, perhaps it was because I was the first born and parents are naturally more protective of girls. I don't remember being taught to be careful.. I just grew up careful, and responsible, and a bit naive. The world around me was just there.. I took everything for granted.

When I was ten my parents went to Kashmir. Mum went over half way through Dad's stint with the UN. I thought Mum was gone 6 months, but have since been told it was just 3.months. While they were away we lived with our grandparents in Whitianga.
Staying there was wonderful I had a lovely big bed that used to belong to my aunt Sonia. My brother was in the boy's room. It had twin beds that my Father and his younger brother used to use. I remember the old school fondly so it can't have been all that bad. I don't remember having friends at school, hardly any at any of the schools I attended. My cousins had a house behind Granny and Grandpa's and they came to stay there on holidays. Four girls in that family and I always felt like an outsider until this past January, at Uncle Ted's funeral.

There was a little old lady living two or three doors down from Granny and Grandpa. Her name was Tiny and she collected shells and had a beautiful garden.I would stop in there on my way home from school some days and marvel at the shells. She was very nice to me was Tiny. Her garden was beautiful and there was a memorial there to her long dead dog. Tiny passed away when I was living in Wellington some years later and her house and garden were replaced by a bank and some shops. That was possibly the biggest loss in my life up to that point, but when you think about it I had taken her for granted in many ways. We were not related and I had not seen her in years.

My Dad was a Phys Ed, and Geography teacher at Fraser High School in Hamilton. Unfortunately I was in no way physically inclined. This must surely have disappointed  Dad but he never said anything about it.

I used to go with him to the basket ball games he refereed and keep the scores. Surely I was supervised, but I remember doing it and don't remember anyone checking my math. I felt great doing the scores and sitting with the adults. I must have been 10-12 yrs old at the most. I remember one special trip in a buss with the school team when we went to Rotorua so they could play.

The only sport I played would have been netball. I have a single memory of playing in a team at Deanwell Primary so I would have been been 10.

I don't know when we stopped going but for years and years we used to holiday over Christmas at the camp ground at Raglan. (photo from Google images: www.happycamping.co.nz.

It was fabulous. we had other kids to play with and beaches and trees to play in. The big event every so often was to walk through the camp over the bridge and up into Raglan. Maybe it took 30 mins, but to me it was hugely exciting. The Open Air Campaigners were our entertainment  on stage some evenings and I loved the music and the atmosphere of everyone gathering together for fun.

I really liked being able to swim in the ocean, paddle along the shore and lie in the sun.  I wasn't scared of the water then. My skin is white and freckly so I burned like buggery. In those days we put oil on our skin to help is  'tan' . My skin went bright red and peeled is great swathes. I had a bad habit of trying to get the biggest piece of skin that I could get to peel off in one piece.  My Mum was always the beach bunny.. Mum looked fabulous in her bikinis,was always brown and could swim like a fish. I didn't inherit those traits but I admire them in her. You also have to know mum was the queen at knuckle bones... and I was damn good too.

There are other childhood memories too

Like the catherine wheel at Aunty Ailsa's one November. Her three girls and their awesome bedroom. It had three beds with big boxes for storage at the heads of the beds and they were in a U shape. Thinking back the room was probably not as big as I always thought but it was the BEST bedroom.

Having my hair cut when I was quite young. It was long and I had it cut short for some reason. I can remember there was a fuss over whether it should be cut or not and I can't remember how I felt about it. I think the fuss may have been between my mum and Ailsa';s husband as he was the hairdresser and didn't want to cut it.  It's one of those memories that you can never be sure of being correct.

I remember Queenie, my ginea pig at Pine Avenue. My Brother had one too. Queenie was brown ginger and white. My Brothers was darker. their cage had chicken wire. Dad probably made it for us.

One year both Dad and I were ill with hepatitis. We were living in Saxby's Rd and we spent time soaking stamps.. it wasn't so bad being sick when you had something to do with your Daddy.

I think that's enough for now. I can always come back to record more memories, its something I have long wanted to do, even if no one else ever reads them its nice to see them in print. it gives them substance.

The caffeine dairy

Five cups today went cold before I was able to finish them. Such a waste, but also indicative of just how busy I was at work.

I didn't take any proper breaks. I sat down to eat lunch but then right back into it.
The phone has gone constantly today with people asking questions after the earthquakes last Friday. As soon as the landline would ring another caller would ring and the call would transfer though to the cell phone. It was quite a challenge to strike a professional balance between being friendly and supportive and being distracted by the other call and the interruptions of being frontline in a busy office. I missed a few calls, but thankfully there were lots of people that left me messages.

The big basement clean up was underway today. It was a bit (actually it was a lot) overwhelming starting work at 8 when they had been at it for an hour and wanted questions answered about what I wanted done with this, that and the other thing... Back the bus up folks, I was barely awake!

Eventually I caught up, got some work done and convinced myself to help out with the cleanup, as soon as I cleared a few things off my desk.

It never happened. I was flat out like the proverbial lizard right up to 5pm. Although none the planned work was done, I did reassure a lot of people, answer a bunch of difficult questions around emergency preparedness, tsunami, and what to do in an earthquake, buy lunch for the workers,  and make but not drink five cups of coffee. In there somewhere I emptied the stationery onto the floor and reloaded the cabinet when they got swapped over. I now have a stationery cupboard to die for, in my office.

And around 4.30 I finally drank a whole cup of coffee while a customer and I chatted about her preparedness. I got sneaky and offered her a cuppa so I could finally get to drink mine and look after her.

Hey, you do what you have to to get a coffee.

coffee for one

 I've had the afternoon on my own.When this happens I quite often make plans to do things that never happen.

I WAS going to do some washing and go up town to buy different cat biscuits, visit a friend, and do some baking, maybe even cook dinner.

What I really did was make a coffee or three and crochet the rug I am making for my cousin's baby. It is looking really nice and I'm at the stage of deciding if it is big enough or if I need to make another 50 squares to go round the outside to make a white edge. I love that it has taken about 4 weeks to get to this stage and I still want to keep going.

Jack, Willow and I also went for a walk. Coco came as far as the end of the street but turned back. Our usual round the block walk is not good for cats in the daylight. There are more flowers coming out in the gardens and I thought I would go back when the weather is better to photograph them, without the dogs. It didn't get any better today. Maybe tomorrow.

I also have some errands to run.. more for the imaginary to do list. That one that I scribble in my head but not on paper because then the pressure to actually do those things would be too much!.

Having no kids at home, and no pressure to actually cook or do , well, anything , is nice. It is also terrible for procrastinators. Now I don't do things because I cant be bothered, not because I am too busy. I have NO excuses. I cant even plead poverty anymore. Not that I have cash to splash around, but I'm not broke.

So I have also taken a couple of photographs and added them to Facebook. And I have the luxury of time to write this. Jack wants to go for another walk. It's raining so he is fresh out of luck.

Must be time for another coffee.

I was given some great advice, by my Facebook coffee loving buddies on how to use this new toy.
Top of my list for tomorrow is to buy some ground espresso coffee beans.

Sunday update.
After a slow start to the day I have washing in the machine and a load hung out and I have coffee grinds in the jar. Very happy puppy here.

Shaken not stirred

This afternoon we have had a few earthquakes of 5 and 6 magnitude in Wellington. The first came about 2.30 pm and had me under the desk pretty smartly. It was billed in the paper as 6.6 (www.stuff.co.nz ) but I saw some readings at much lower than that. One at 5.7 for instance. Geonet revise the magnitude as they get more information.

We had a large number of foreign visitors in our building for a tsunami workshop and had to shuffle them out so we could set up the emergency operation centre. They were pretty happy to be on their way after the quake. Thankfully they had finished what they were there for. 

So it started.

We had a full house by 3.30. Mostly council staff. It seemed there were a hundred things going on all at once. With each new aftershock I got more comfortable with the rocking motion. The building is very strong so I Felt safe. Food, people coming and going, noise, the odd shake, it was all pretty cool. It was ok for us, we didn't need to leave the city, but the gridlock on the roads and the closing of the trains until the tracks are checked has inconvenienced a lot of people. power was off briefly in some areas. There were a few buildings that were emptied because people don't want to stay in them when they shake. Thy don't think about the danger of falling debris in their rush to leave. Then they don't know what to do, where to go. So they mill around and eventually go home. 

The cell phone system overloaded again, same as the earthquake on July 21st. Only texts were getting through. 

I stayed at work until 7pm and am now going to get an early night. 11 hour days are not great, but if you have to work I guess it's good to be busy. 

Here's hoping the city sleeps well tonight.

Good night

Sweet dreams. 

Notebooks and flowers

These came in the mail from vistaprint today. My photos on the covers and inside there are a calendar and a birthday list. There are plenty of note pages too. I'm really pleased with them and will happily give them away as gifts. I have plenty of people I can give them to. The matchbox is there to show their size. I'm thinking I may need to get more done. It is so much fun seeing my photos on things instead of just on the screen. 

Bleak is beautiful

I posted these photos on the misfits page this week. I hesitated to do it because they are quite dark and devoid of colour. I was pleasantly surprised by the comments they received. They seem to have evoked some memories or emotions in the people that commented. What more can I ask?











When the dogs and I set out on our adventure I was looking for colour. It is not spring yet so really the only natural colour was in camellias and the few rhododendrons on the hills and in gardens along the way round the bays.

So I gave up and went to the Days Bay wharf.  The water is so calm, yet another surprise. Wellington, on a windless day. My god what is the world coming to.?

 

We had a short walk on the beach but I wasn't comfy with Jack peeing on everything so we left there and walked along Port road for a while. I left the camera in the car and ended up walking all the way back to get it because I saw a strange black bird with a bright orange, quite long, beak. It was gone when I got back, but it was worth a try. Maybe I will be a bird stalker next time I go out.


Oyster catcher  This link will take you to information on a bird that looks like the one I saw. It can't be the same bird exactly, since the Chathams are nowhere near here, but that's what it looks like. I think it may have been all black with the bright orange beak.

Mammogram

Annual visit

In here please

Push here, pull there

Placing flesh

Hand on your hip

Push your bottom out

Breathe in, breathe right out

Ouch that hurts, sort of

Won't take long

Peel skin off cold plates

Stand straight again

Shake off the stretching skin

Get dressed

Wait two weeks..

Twenty minutes later-and already back at work.

So quick

What was the fuss about

Now I wait

Lessons learned

Yesterday I had some trouble at work. That's not unfamiliar to me. I have a few issues and sometimes things don't go we'll when I have to deal with colleagues. Strangers are so much easier. I have no problem bowling up to someone I have never met and chatting with them, or talking to someone in a queue or at a shop while we are waiting. Colleagues are not so easy. You can't just walk away, I know, I've tried. 

After work last night I received an email from a colleague that was quite inappropriate. I get my work emails on my phone, and often deal with them after hours. He had no right to say what he did and I got quite upset. I took it to my manger and it is being sorted out at the highest level.

In the mean time I have decided to look round the job market and see if anything takes my fancy. 

I have a job, I have nothing to lose. And everything to gain. 

Being upset because I have been made to feel inadequate when I know I am actually doing a great job was a final straw. I am fighting back. I will have control of my own workload Come hell or high water. There are other jobs out there and a fresh start could be very refreshing. My cv is going to get another spruce up. 

I started a splash board of post it notes on my whiteboard at work. One note for each role I have, each thing I do. It is a reminder that I do good work that makes a difference. They are placed randomly and over an A5 sized space so far. There will be a lot more to add to the board before I am finished. 

There are lessons to be learned every day. The one I learned today was to have faith. I am not alone. I have support and I don't have to run or hide when someone stomps on me. People love me. 

That was a nice thing to take out of a very yucky experience.

Heaven in a flower

The first stanza of the poem "Auguries of Innocence" by the mystical poet William Blake (1757 - 1827):

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

Dad wrote this on a birthday card for me in 2011.

I took it to mean that I should enjoy the small things in life, and this has stuck with me during the two years since. I scoured the house tonight to find this card only to find a poem and not the words I thought Dad had written at all. Reading the explanation below I see it fits exactly with my love of macro photography. So .... It has taken me two years Dad, but I can finally see heaven in a flower.


Blake is expressing a mystical belief that the microcosm (the small scale) symbolizes the macrocosm (the large scale) and that it's possible to experience the macrocosm by contemplation of the microcosm.
In other words, when you view a grain of sand correctly, you really see the whole world in a kind of mystical vision. When you view a wild flower with your whole being, with all your senses, you really do see heaven.
From this perspective, the palm of your hand is as large as infinity and an hour is as long as eternity.
From :http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070704072423AAnkUsV

balance

Antique egg rack.
Push too hard and they break 

Life is a daily adventure in balance.
between happy and blah, between blah and fear.
blah and fear don't happen so much anymore
though they are always just below the surface,
waiting for me to fall between the cracks of the swing bridge.
The one that rocks gently while I take tentative steps
towards happiness.

Swing bridges like happiness, promise safe passage
if you take the leap of faith and step out onto the path.
then move beneath you and suddenly
the certain, safe road is no more.

My epitaph should read " it doesn't pay to be too happy. "
The bubble is too thin to be sustained
just when I start to think I am, actually, happy
something brings me back down again
only nowadays its to square 9 or 10
still, the bubble will burst.

Kicked in the butt and gut by fear
there is no spinning right back to square one now.
Stopping the dread and negativity
became easier with practice and mindfulness.

Remembering that " I'm ok You're ok "
mindset is the best place to come from
the best place to move on from, since it lays no blame
and allows room for peace of mind.

I have more to say and it won't all be pretty
but life is like that.A balance between fine and dandy
and getting by. Keeping things real.

I hope one day to find a bubble formula that is
strong enough to hold me inside
long enough to forget the other faded bubbles.

Maybe then I will find a new epitaph..

Sunday Brunch

I didn't have any photos from Saturday, but here is one from brunch this morning.

We have been going to Mitre 10's cafe on Sunday mornings and today thought we would try the Fig Tree for a change.

We had the great please of bumping into friends and their husky, Sasha, while we were there. The food was delicious and atmosphere was friendly and casual. It was a bit loud but that seems to be how cafes are these days. They think nothing of the racket they make with the coffee machines and dishes as they work. Fortunately the music was at a nice volume.

A group of elderly ladies were there, meeting for a muffin and tea. The tea is served on china plates and tea cups. So dainty. One of the ladies had brought gifts for her friends. it seems she had been on a trip overseas and had brought a gift for each of them and some daphne from her garden.

I hope one day I will have friends that meet for coffee like that group of ladies.

There is plenty to look at in the cafe. Lots of paintings for sale, and it used to be a church. Sean told me all about what it used to look like because he had worshiped there a couple of decades ago. It was really nice.

They have a book swap thing going on, where you can tag your book and follow where it ends up.. seemed too complicated to me. I may just drop a few off so they have more for people to borrow.

I'm looking forward to the next time we go, and perhaps the weather will be like today so we can sit outside and have Jack and Willow with us.

Saturday's adventures

We have had a lovely weekend. Yesterday we set out reasonably early to go to the Petone carnival but were discouraged by the heavy traffic and the memories of it not having been all that great last time. Those things considered we nipped out of Jackson St and up onto the motorway to head in to Wellington. I had heard of a photographic exhibition in Willis Street. The World Press exhibition.
finding parking looked doubtful until we discovered a parking building on Willis Street. I hadn't noticed it before so it felt like a wonderful find. With three major parking buildings int he city closed, even weekend parking is limited. I was so glad Sean was driving as we wound up and up top level F to finally find a park that was not reserved. The ramps are so narrow. The building was above the old Mexican Canteena, or the Mex as we used to call it. We both have good memories of the place although we have not been there together and it is long since closed.

Wandering down to Willis street we came across a Mexican restaurant so it seemed natural to try them out for lunch. The food was really tasty if a bit overpriced for what you get. They were able to direct us to the Telecom towers where the exhibition was showing, very helpful.

It was only $5 entry fee each which I thought was a more than fair. So I sailed on in thinking this would be a great experience, exposure to some culture and all that.

I quickly discovered it was not going to be a nice experience. The first two doz photos were graphic portrayals of death and mayhem from various attacks of Syria and Gaza. Damaged or dead people everywhere. I understand that these are evocative and emotional photographs. Just what a press photographer needs in order to make a living.  But good lord they were bleak. Then just when you think you cant take any more they move on to... ta da ..deformed adults and then.. prostitution!.. oh joy.. I was pretty much ready to leave at that point.

Further round the corner I discovered a series of 4 photos of sumo wrestlers. they were stunning, somber and thoughtful. They have black backgrounds and incredible detail. The men were straight faced and looking at the camera warily.

There were a few animal photos from a zoo somewhere that looked like it should be shut down. I nearly cried, they were just awful. and a few photos of same sex couples in an Asian city that has only recently decided to allow same sex relationships. The relationships were not the feature for me, but the abject poverty they seemed to live in was appalling. These are current photographs. These people live like that now.

There was a photograph of a man holding the tails of two bullock and competing in a race with that as the only way he had to control the beasts. The competitors have to run their animals in as straight a line as possible. There was mud spraying everywhere, on first glance it was a great action shot. but when I REALLY looked at it there were ropes through the bullocks noses.. I felt quite nauseous.

One beautiful shot further round the display was of a synchronised swimmer (http://www.worldpressphoto.org/awards/2013/sports-action/zheng-wei?gallery=6096) who seemed to be suspended in the air like she may have been diving and not yet reached the water. This and some photos of penguins and another of an albino girl were the only ones I would like to see again.

They can keep the rest.

The serenity prayer

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr I'm not a religious person at all but this, especially the first four lines, might give me comfort today. so would :" its my choice to either soar with eagles or argue with turkeys ".

unfurling

These beauties are opening a little each day. I'm loving the olloclip for how close I can get to the subject.

 

the world has issues

The picture below is from Sue Fitzmaurice's Facebook page.

"I have just found out there is nothing wrong with me, it is the word that has issues"

How nice it would have been if I had known this when I was an awkward, ugly teenager, or a new mum who really had no clue, or a worker who never fitted in, or a wife that had the wool pulled over her eyes.. I know it now though and it is not too late for the knowledge to make a difference.

Fear has moved aside a little. Most of the time it is a distant memory, one that is only pulled to the foreground in reaction to someone else's actions or reactions to me.  People do not like me, and it saddens me.

At the mall recently we were having a wonderful time colouring in with the kids and someone leaned on the table I was using and lifted it right off its legs. I wasn't overly concerned. It had moved only a little upwards and stopped moving when it came back down to rest. I glanced up at the couple at the other end of the table and then got back on with my colouring in. I would have though nothing of it except a few minutes later I heard the man in that couple say that I had given him "the look" I really couldn't believe he had thought that I had done anything like that. I was embarrassed and appalled. I just kept on colouring and gave the impression that I had not heard him. After  all what could you say in that situation? 'grow up' came to mind but I didn't express it. 

It reminded me that even when I say nothing people still judge me. It says more about them than it does me, especially when they don't even know me. It has plagued me all my life.  Unfortunately I don't have a perpetually smiley face. My mouth turns down. This does not mean anything, it just is. When I was a child I was often told to stop sulking. I've not forgotten it or the feeling of injustice that came to me when I felt I had been unfairly accused. It happened a lot. 

It was fear that caused the embarrassment, fear that people would believe him or that he thought I was that nasty or judgemental. Bear in mind that I barely even looked at them and cant even describe them other than they were mid to late 20 somethings. So really wasn't giving him any sort of censorious look. perhaps he was feeling stupid for disrupting the table by leaning heavily on the end. 

You might wonder why I would even write about this minor, brief, incident. Maybe you think I'm blowing it out of proportion. I have to learn something from this so it stops hurting me, so what I choose to learn from it is: there was nothing wrong with me, it was him that had issues.

What to do in a day? Love the little things.

I have today off work in lieu of some time I put in after last weeks earthquakes. I feel like a bit of a fraud since I didn't do all that much extra time or work but I'm not fool enough to turn down a day off. In fact I think I will take time off more often I have been thoroughly enjoying myself.

We had my birthday and then had the girls stay for a few days and today I have to myself. I am blessed to have two friends to share the day with too. I think Wendy and I may catch up for a chat shortly, and this morning I saw Elizabeth, while I took her PC up to be cleaned of its nasty bug. Thankfully she wont be without it for long.

I am amazed at how many rugs Elizabeth has made to send to Christchurch to comfort anyone that needs it, since the 2011 earthquakes. These are not small rugs mind you. There is hours and hours of work involved and they are the classic granny squares with black surrounds. I believe the current rug is on its way to Christchurch this week. So inspiring. I've only made three rugs to give away,all int he last two years, and they have all been to Sean's family's new babies. I trust they will get good use out of them. I'm getting right into the current one, and have been surprised how quickly it is growing but I will hold off posting photos until later.  My cousin's baby is not due for a while yet.

The weather is great.. chilly but clear and calm. I have to get off here and go plant the iris's and two other plants, whose names I do not recall, that Elizabeth gave me to bring home. Then off to walk the dogs or catch up with Wendy, what better way is there to spend a day.?

Later this evening..

Well the day got better and better. Coffee and a walk with Wendy, and Elizabeth came round to see the garden. And I read the INSTRUCTIONS on the olloclip box and discovered that the way I was using the macro lens was all wrong. Learning how to use it correctly has opened up a whole new world. I posted a few photos to Bedlam Farm's Open Group.on Facebook. and my status .. I think I am addicted to macro. "Love the little things"

first time

These flowers are all on the same camellia bush, in the garden down the driveway. Its not all that big but it flowers profusely.
I've had it 18 years and every year the flowers come out and are bruised so I got in quick to take these.
This is probably the first time I've ever tried.I'll have another go when we pick up the macro lens. these were taken on a close up setting. The camera does all the focusing which is great since my eyesight could be better.